she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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