while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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