So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
