I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
he had hair everywhere except his balls
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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