I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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