oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
