I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
