it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
