He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
