Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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