Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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