i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Randomize
