Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
