I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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