I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
