apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
