if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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