I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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