youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
