I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
