She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
