Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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