I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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