Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
