My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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