I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
