I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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