If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
