i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
