for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
