The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
