dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Randomize
