LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
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