goodnight i made you a song goodbye
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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