You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
