Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
