i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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