Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
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Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
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He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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