Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
