rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
