Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
whose parrot is this?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
