Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Sponge bath it is.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
