I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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