You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
