Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
