Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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