I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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