I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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