just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
