A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
