Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
