I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
