i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
