The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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