all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
