wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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