I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
